April 10, 2012
It’s been a while since i wrote a letter to you. I remember, I was on the other side of the world at that time, trying to win a battle. That was a year or two.. yes God, this is still me.
It was last holy week when i read a blog about letting go, and it made me think of what are the things that i still hold on to until now. It just made me think. But today, it was a perfect message coming from you. I still hold on to a lot of things.. things that matter to me the most. There are really things that i never want to let go of. I am afraid of what would life be without them. But somehow i realized, letting go isn’t the end of the world, it isn’t just the end of something, but a beginning of a wonderful thing.
Dear God, it was a hard battle when I went to another land. It was one of the hardest struggles of my life, a moment when i would just want to cry all night until i wake up in the morning. I lost that battle God, but when I surrender, I found myself in your arms, healing all the wounds. I was renewed. I became a strong soldier. You’ve made me become a great warrior. And in just a few weeks after that, you took away my father...
Dear God, That was HARD. That was HURTING. I wasn’t even ready for that. We never had enough chances. I never even had enough time to say how much i love him. I had known him when i was already old, and how fast it is for you to take him again out of my life..God, i was still in pain at that point. I still have wounds and yet, wounded again. But I accepted, I rest in your loving arms. I cried in your comfort. It’s been a year. God, I realized, that acceptance and letting go must come hand in hand. I accepted but didn’t allow myself to let go of him, it was too hard to let go when we were just starting and making memories. But He is yours God. Teach me how to remember the few but great memories of him. God, it’s been a year.. and now, it’s time to let go.
Dear God, it’s also that time I felt that I am slowly losing one of the most important persons in my life. I was too in denial. I just let her. I forced myself to believe that it was my fault, that i should have stayed here in the Philippines than leave my job. I wasn’t aware that after i gave up my job here, the next in line that i would lose is her. That was one of the most painful times of my life, to see how things are slowly changing. I have tried enough, I've prayed so hard, that someday, one day, things will go back to what it used to be. I need her. She is my bestfriend, she’s one of my strength. She has become my sister..and in just a snap, She’s gone. God, thank you for giving me the strength right now, after a year, it’s now time to accept the fact that i can never bring back the past. Thank you for giving her to me. Thank you for that special times that you’ve given to us. I may not hear her call me “best” like we always used to call each other, She may not treat me the same as before, but in my heart she will remain as what she is to me, from the beginning till the end of this lifetime. God, thank you because right now, i fully understand... and I’m letting go..
Dear God, thank you for you have given me my heart's desire.. the job that I love to do. The job that mold me to become better and improve my skills. Thank you for the friendship that I have built along with this work. I have never imagine work to be more fun without them. I know God, that you have put me into test, you broke my heart once in a while. You made me decide to hold on or to let go. But sometimes, there are just things that i don’t need to force to be okay. There is nothing to warrant the effort to regain what was lost. God, you know what is in my heart. I will forever treasure the friendship and the memories. There is an important difference between giving up and letting go..God, thank you cause I am now letting go.
Dear God, thank you for the gift of understanding. When mama doesn’t want to talk or when there are just too many strong words coming from her that became my weapon to be who I am right now. Thank you for I know, even everyday that I am with her but don’t feel like I am, I am still very grateful to have a mama like her. Tough love, as they call it... i may have cried a lot of times but i will never get tired of waiting until the time comes that I will hear her say "mahal kita anak..". Dear God, im letting go of all the sadness that comes along and help me to be strong enough to understand her... even if sometimes, i feel like giving up. I love her with all my heart and with all of me.
Dear God, thank you for friends who offered me a shelter when there are times that i don’t literally have a house to stay in, they've given me a home. Thank you for the people who are always willing to help and to listen. Thank you for the new friendships that has been built and made me see that rainbow after all the storms. Thank you for the wisdom to discern what is your will. I know God that to let go isn’t about forgetting, it isn’t about winning or losing. It’s not about dwelling in the past. Letting go is not about giving up or giving in.
Thank you for this moment Lord. I know, it took me years to realized, but now, i will surrender everything to you.. heal me with your love. I won’t force the things that i want to happen. To let go is to cherish those memories and then move on. Letting go is an ultimate experience to grow, to learn and to survive. Letting go is your strength and courage to accept what has happened and what’s instored for you in the coming years. Letting go is smoothly accepting changes. Letting go is the best way to have peace of mind and a heart that is willing to obey. Thank you for all these things.
Dear God, it’s time to let go.
Iloveyou,
Ritch
